


Rekindling

by Starbird



Series: Someday Out of the Blue [1]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Domestic, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bodhi's Therapy Dog Raymond, Crying, Dads and daughters, Domestic, Don't Worry She'll Change Back, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, F/M, Floor Sex, Fun with Different Positions, Heavy Angst, I Resurrected Cassian's Parents OMG IKR, Identity Issues, Jyn Has Changed, Jyn Has a Drinking Problem, Moms and Daughters, Oral Sex, Past Relationship(s), Rebelcaptain - Freeform, Relationship Problems, Series, Sex, Sex while intoxicated, Single Parents, Smut, The Ersos are Alive and Well Too, You Know How I Roll Guys, eventual rebelcaptain, sex with feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-16 13:10:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11829411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starbird/pseuds/Starbird
Summary: Jyn and Cassian broke up 6 years ago and haven’t seen each other in almost 5. They’ve each moved on, with Jyn moving up in their company and becoming a different person, just wanting to distance herself from the Jyn Erso of the field work days. She and 4-year-old Isobel have been pretty much on their own since Jyn’s ex, Mike, got cold feet and moved out when Isobel was just a year old. Sure, he’s still around and sees Iz every other weekend, but…Jyn wants them to be a family again.On a day when Isobel is being particularly prickly, Jyn decides to take them to Starbucks. There, she runs into Cassian again…and he has a little girl with him as well. He wants to catch up with Jyn, but she was the one who cut off all contact with him 5 years ago. Something happened to cause her to put him firmly in her past, and the last thing she wants is to see him again. When he texts her asking to meet, she agrees. After all, it would be rude to say no. All she has to do is get it over with and move on again. But moving on again is a little harder than she thinks.**Part 1 of a 3-part series.**





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know why. I don’t even do AUs. I know I keep saying that, and I know they keep happening. I defer to my first statement: I don’t know why. 
> 
> In other news, I’ve always kind of wanted to write an exes-getting-back-together story, so when this idea popped into my mind, I thought, now is the chance! I know it’s angsty and angry and there’s lots of crying and unhappy stuff in this first installment, but it will get better and cuter and fluffier and happier, I promise. And you know I keep my promises!
> 
> Also: I have absolutely zero shame in admitting I named this after that Elton John song from 2000 for “The Road to El Dorado.” No. Shame. At all. 
> 
> This is SO different from what I usually like, and, ::cringe::, I hope you like it?

For not the first time that morning, Jyn Erso looked her four-year-old daughter in the eye, and tried to reason with her.

            “You have the brand new coloring book I bought you,” she said, “new crayons from Uncle Chirrut, that overly complicated thing Uncle Bodhi gave you, and a hundred other things. Why does none of this interest you?”

            “ _No_ , Mommy,” little Isobel said defiantly. She had Jyn’s green eyes and either of her parents’ dark hair, but the look in her eyes right now was straight from Jyn.

            “It’s a beautiful day,” Jyn tried. “We’ve got a backyard now. Go outside and play.”

            _“Nooooooooo.”_

            Jyn put her fingertips to her temples, about at her wit’s end. Isobel had been up since six-thirty a.m. after Jyn had gone to bed past midnight, up late working (not just through a bottle of wine), and she was exhausted after a grueling week. She’d been promoted six months ago and bought a house two months ago, and items were still in boxes.

            “I wanna play with Tooka,” Isobel said, referring to their cat that Isobel was determined to befriend, and which was, in turn, determined to destroy her hopes.

            “Tooka isn’t interested. You chase him.”

            The little girl pouted. Jyn picked up the remote. “Look,” she said out of desperation, “why don’t I just put on PBS?”

            “I’m tired of _Daniel Tiger_ ,” Isobel whined, falling back onto the pillows on the sofa, Jyn’s favorite one clutched in her small hands.

            “Fine,” Jyn said, which it was, because those were her exact same feelings as well. “Look, there’s a new episode of _Dinosaur Train_  – ”

            “I already watched it at Uncle Bodhi’s,” Isobel muttered. “And _Paw Patrol._ _He_ has cable.”

            “We don’t _need_ cable,” Jyn patiently reminded her daughter. “We have books and PBS.”

            “You make a lotta money now. You said so. We can have cable.”

            Jyn was _definitely_ getting a headache now, and she could feel her eyes starting to close, begging for sleep.

            “Iz, you’re being unreasonable,” Jyn said, and grabbed her purse. “And I can’t deal with your attitude right now. Put your shoes on. We’re going to Starbucks.”

 

While Jyn also did not feel like buying the girl a treat given her thoroughly disagreeable attitude, she couldn’t think of anything else to do with her other than get her out of the house. And if she didn’t get some coffee, she wouldn’t make it through lunchtime and to the magic one o’clock hour, when Isobel had quiet time up in her room for a bit and Jyn could lie down (or look over the work she hadn’t finished last night). The line to the register was short, and Jyn only glanced at whatever the newest frappuccino was and ordered it and a chocolate milk box for Isobel. When the girl started up a tantrum over a Peter Rabbit squeeze pouch, Jyn threw that on the counter as well.

            Isobel appeared to be pacified.

            They waited for their drinks, standing off to the side of the counter, Jyn keeping an eye on Isobel as she responded to work email. When her drink came, she thanked the barista and took it, sipping as she finished typing up a response, Isobel alternating between sucking her fruit pouch and chocolate milk.

            Jyn’s brain caught up way too late after things started happening.

            “I’m not going to buy you that. No. Just a drink. Jyn?”

            The voice, the accent, then her name.

            Jyn’s head jerked up and her drink went down her airway instead of her throat. She coughed and forced her expression to remain neutral. For almost five years, she had managed to avoid her ex-boyfriend Cassian Andor, not asking their mutual friends about him, not going to anything he might be going to, avoiding the floor he worked on, performing extra good deeds in the hopes that it would add to her karma and keep him living on the opposite side of the city. Finally, her luck had run out and it had caught up with her.

            He placed his order and came over. “You okay?” he asked.

            Jyn didn’t reply to that, didn’t let her mind acknowledge that he looked almost the same, just even better. She just kept coughing and looked down at the dark-haired, brown-eyed little girl with him. “Chirrut and Baze back to fostering again and asked you to babysit?”

            “No,” Cassian said, and there was an odd enough note in his voice that Jyn looked up at him. “This is my daughter, Nina.”

            Jyn’s heart slammed against her ribcage, and the sweetness of her drink suddenly felt too thick and nauseating in her stomach.

            “Hi,” she said. She nodded her head to Isobel, currently sucking the dregs out of the overpriced fruit pouch and standing behind Jyn’s legs. “Isobel. She’s four and in a bad mood.”

            Isobel took the pouch out of her mouth. “Am not,” she said sourly. “You talk funny,” she said to Cassian.

            He ignored that, but Jyn said, “That’s rude, Iz.” She kept her eyes on the other little girl, because it was easier than facing Cassian. At any rate, his kid was being a much better sport about all this than hers.

            The barista called out Cassian’s order, and he took it from the counter. _“Cariña.”_ He nudged her with the milk box, and she took it from him, her brown eyes leaving Jyn’s only for a moment.

            It was disconcerting.

            “Another one,” Isobel demanded, holding the empty pouch up to Jyn.

            “No,” Jyn said, giving the child a firm look. “Good seeing you,” she said to Cassian. “We have to get back.”

            Isobel grabbed her hand and literally spun her toward the door, her new leather purse nearly hitting Cassian’s poor kid in the face. “I like your dress,” Isobel said to Nina on her way past her.

            “Thank you,” Nina said.

            “We should catch up,” Cassian said. Jyn pretended she didn’t hear, but Isobel dug in her heels when Jyn didn’t stop.

 _“Mommy,”_ she hissed. _“Rude.”_

 _Oh my God,_ Jyn thought as she closed her eyes and stopped in the middle of the café. _I am being schooled by a four-year-old._

            She swallowed and turned back around. Nina was holding Cassian’s hand, still looking as sweet as ever, and he’d taken a step toward Jyn, as if to stop her. Jyn forced a smile.

            “Yeah, that would be great!” she lied. “Bodhi has my number. Good seeing you again.”

            “Is it the same one as before?” Cassian asked.

            “Yes, it is.”

            “Okay. Mine’s still the same, too.”

            “I don’t think I still have it,” Jyn said, lying again. “Good seeing – ”

            “I know,” Cassian interrupted, holding up his hand. “You’ve said it three times.”

            “Well, third time’s the charm. Bye.”

            She hurried out of the coffee shop, throwing her frap out in the garbage can as soon as she found one. She really didn’t feel well anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ::ducks to avoid rotten tomatoes from all the angst and unhappy:: Is it okay? Do you like?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isobel gets too real about the situation and decides she’d rather spend time with Dad than with Mom. Honest toddlers are honest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, commenting, subscribing, bookmarking, and kudosing! I'm really glad you guys like this frankly oddball idea I had. I promise it does get better. :)

“Mommy?”

            “Yes, honey?”

            “Who was that man?”

            Jyn sighed to herself and gathered her thoughts. It was late afternoon, after Isobel’s quiet time, and they were stacking blocks on Isobel’s ABC foam mat. Jyn was lying sideways, propped up on her elbow, and Isobel was crouching and thinking very hard about where to place her next block (X for X-ray Fish).

            “Just…someone I used to know,” Jyn answered. “An old friend. Before I had you.”

            “Nina seemed really nice.”

            “She said two words to you.”

            It was too sharp, too unfair, too uncalled for. Isobel drew back, hurt. “Oh, I’m sorry, honey,” Jyn said. “She did seem really nice.”

            “I liked her dress. And her hair ribbon. How come you never put ribbons in my hair?”

            “Because Mommy works a lot,” Jyn replied, stacking a block with P for Pig on it.

            “You always work a lot,” Isobel muttered. “Nina’s mommy puts ribbons in _her_ hair.”

            “Well,” Jyn said, unfairly starting to bristle, “maybe Nina’s mommy can stay home and has time to do those sorts of things.”

            “Will you stay home with me more?”

            Jyn felt her heart break a little. “I can’t, honey. I wish I could, but…. Mommy just got this _huge_ promotion at work, which means we can have all these nice things. We don’t have to live in an apartment anymore, we’re close to all your uncles…. That’s all good stuff, right?”

            “Right, but…I miss seeing you.” The girl’s eyes were already welling with tears.

            Jyn sat up and crossed her legs. “I’m trying, honey. These first six months are just _really_ crucial, and if we can get through those – ”

            “You always say that! I want to go see Daddy!” Isobel yelled, jumping up. “Daddy always has time for me!”

            “Honey,” Jyn said firmly, “no, he doesn’t. Not all the time. No parent does.”

            Isobel stomped her foot and crossed her arms. “Call Daddy _now_. Say I want to see him.”

            Jyn got up and went over to Isobel, but the little girl twisted away from her. She didn’t want to be touched. Jyn dropped her hands back to her lap, hating how she’d treated her daughter, who didn’t and couldn’t possibly understand what was happening around her.

            “Iz,” she said, “you’ll see Daddy next weekend, okay?”

            “Can’t you just text him,” Isobel begged, “and ask him?”

            Jyn sighed and relented. “Okay,” she said, reaching for her phone. “I’ll see if he’s around.”

            Jyn looked at the screen. Fourteen new emails. Three text messages that could have been consolidated into one from her moronic new admin. Jyn pulled up her ex’s text window.

            **Mike, Iz really wants to see you tonight. Any chance?**

She put the phone back down. “There you go, honey. I texted him.”

            “Did he write back yet?” A lone tear trailed down the little girl’s face. Jyn wiped it away.

            “He probably hasn’t gotten the message yet. I’m sorry, Iz. What made you so upset? Meeting Nina? I know she looked really pretty today, but you look pretty like that every day, too.”

            “You were upset, too,” Isobel said. “You were mean.”

            “I wasn’t trying to be mean,” Jyn said. “It’s just…sometimes we run into people who we don’t really want to see. Who it hurts to see. Who we’re not still friends with, and we don’t really want to be nice to. We should always be nice, but sometimes that’s really, really hard. I wasn’t trying to be mean, but I _was_ trying to leave. I didn’t want to talk to him.”

            “Did he hurt your feelings?”

            Jyn’s heart thudded the way it had back at Starbucks. “Yeah,” she said through a tight throat. “He did. He didn’t mean to. And I hurt his feelings, too. It happens sometimes.”

            “Are you going to talk to him again?”

            Jyn gave her daughter a sad smile. “No, honey, I don’t think so.”

            “Why not?”

            “It just wouldn’t be a good idea.”

            “Why not?”

            Jyn reached out and cupped her daughter’s shoulders. “Because he has his _own_ family. His family doesn’t need to know he and I used to be friends. It’s _really_ complicated, and it’s not something – ” She broke off, grateful that her phone buzzed. Kids hated to be told what she was going to say: _not something you would understand_. “Looks like luck’s on your side, kiddo,” she said with a smile as she read the message. “Daddy has the night free. Let’s go get you packed.”

            Isobel grinned and streaked off toward her room.

 

Half an hour later, Jyn and Isobel waited on the stoop for Jyn’s ex-boyfriend Mike to drive up. When he got there, Isobel squealed, “Daddy!” and ran into his outstretched arms. He lifted her up and gave her a huge hug. Mike was a big guy, tall, and made for great hugging.

            “Hey, kiddo!” he said. “Thought I wasn’t going to see you till next week!”

            Jyn shook her head, arms crossed, a smile on her face. “The heart wants what the heart wants.”

            “We’ll have a good time,” Mike said. “Hey, Jyn.” He leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. “Work going okay?”

            “Stressful,” Jyn answered. She gestured at Isobel, clutching her dad tight around the neck. “Obviously she isn’t very happy with it.”

            “Well, I can’t blame her,” Mike said. “This is perfect timing, anyway.”

            “Is it?” Jyn asked, not liking how Mike was avoiding her gaze and instead focusing intently on tickling the giggling Isobel, his smile firmly fixed on his face.

            “Yeah,” he said. “Thought it would be a good time to introduce Iz to Misti.”

            Jyn took a deep breath and let that sink in. “Huh.”

            “Yeah,” he said again, sounding pleased. “It’s been a few months, going well…. She’s pretty excited to meet my little princess.”

            “ _Our_ …little princess,” Jyn corrected.

            “Who’s _Misti_?!” the ever-curious Isobel asked.

            “Daddy’s new friend,” Mike said.

            “But not an _old_ friend,” Isobel said.

            _Oh please oh please oh please oh please. No no no no no no no no –_

“Mommy saw an old friend today, too,” Isobel of course added.

            “Oh, yeah?” Mike said, _now_ looking up at Jyn. “Anyone I know?”

            Jyn shook her head. “Nope. I know lots of people, and this isn’t one of our mutuals.”

            “He has a little girl named Nina,” Isobel said.

            _“He?”_

            “Yeah, he,” Jyn fired back. “And you have a _she_ , so we’ll call it even.”

            “Well, for your sake, I hope you didn’t run into Cassian, because I know he always messed with your head. I was glad when he moved to the other side of town and you didn’t decide to switch back to his department.” He poked Isobel in the stomach, and she giggled again.

            “You and me both,” Jyn deadpanned.

            “Let’s get going, Iz,” Mike said. “How does pizza sound for dinner?”

            “YEAH!” Isobel shouted.

            “Have a good time,” Jyn said. She waved goodbye, watched as Mike buckled Isobel in, and then waited until they drove off. Then she turned back into her house, got out a bottle of wine and a glass, poured, and took her phone out.

            **My life is a fucking mess,** she texted Bodhi.

            _I take it you heard Cassian moved back to your part of town._

            Jyn’s eyebrows shot up and her eyes widened. She swallowed her wine. **I hadn’t, but thanks.**

_…oh. Sorry._ _:(_

Jyn slammed the phone down on the counter and gripped her head. Her long ponytail swished over her forearm. She lifted her head, took a long swig of wine, and typed back to Bodhi.

            **Well, at least that explains how I ran into him at Starbucks after 5 years of not speaking to him. Now he wants to “catch up” how FUN and Iz decided she and HOW DOES CASSIAN HAVE A KID are going to be BFFs, and then she got mad at me because I work too much and wanted to go see her dad, who had been pretty great considering the situation up to this point, and now he has a new girlfriend. Again.**

A couple minutes passed.

            _Give me fifteen minutes. I’ll be right over._

Jyn growled. Of course he’d say that.

            **No Bodhi really. It’s Saturday night. You should be having fun. Or whatever your form of “fun” is.**

_Too late. I’m already driving._

**Then get off your goddamn phone.**

_Obviously I’m not really driving._

**Why don’t I just come over to your place? You’re always coming over to mine.**

_Because you always drink all my beer and end up crashed on my couch because you can’t drive._

            Jyn paused, then typed back. **Fair enough.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bodhi is perfect always, and helps Jyn through her rough time. Along with his therapy dog, Raymond.

Bodhi didn’t say or do anything, just patiently let Jyn do all the talking and yelling and cursing and pacing. She remembered to offer him a glass of wine as she was emptying the last drops of the bottle into her glass, but he waved it off.

            “It’s _stupid_ , is what it is,” she concluded.

            Bodhi knew better than to ask questions, especially now that Jyn was sauced on wine – even though wine tended to mellow her out. Jyn finally dropped down spread-eagle onto the couch next to him, spent. Bodhi had brought over his rescue dog, a small mutt named Raymond that he’d had trained as a therapy dog for his anxiety, and Jyn pet him absently. He put his chin on her thigh and wagged his hairy tail appreciatively.

            “I didn’t even know he got _married_ ,” she said. The wineglass drooped from her fingertips. “Now he’s got a _kid_?”

            “Do you want any good news?” Bodhi asked. “Something that might make you feel better?”

            Jyn sighed and curled up on the couch, her head pillowed in Bodhi’s lap. Raymond walked over her and settled on the curve of her ribs, nosing at her neck. “Nothing’s going to make me feel better,” she said sullenly. “My kid hates me, my ex has a new girlfriend, my other ex is married with a kid and decided to walk back into my life for _no reason at all_ and is now living in _my part of town_ , and my new job has made me a workaholic.” She abruptly sat up (Raymond jumping down to the floor with a lot of tail-wagging), and Bodhi’s fingers fell away where he’d been combing them through her hair. “I have a bottle of merlot on the top rack. Can you get that?”

            Bodhi shook his head. “Not right now. Are you willing to listen?”

            Jyn settled back down and closed her eyes, the living room spinning in front of her. “No.”

            “Good.” He began combing through her hair again. “Cassian is not married. He’s finalizing a divorce. Nina is his stepdaughter, but he legally adopted her after a year. She took a liking to him early on, when he and her mom got married three years ago. They split a year ago and have been trying to settle the divorce for the past few months. Carly took a new job a couple years ago that involves a lot of travel, so Nina is with Cassian a lot. And you’ve always been a workaholic.”

            “I can’t believe you still talk to him,” Jyn muttered. “You guys are supposed to be _my_ friends. I found you first.”

            “We _don’t_ talk to him that much,” Bodhi said. “After you guys broke up, he did his own thing. It was just too weird. Plus, you suddenly wanted nothing to do with him a year after you stopped dating, so…yeah. There was really no other way it could go.”

            Jyn felt her heart twinge with guilt. She hadn’t meant for things to happen that way, but of course they had.

            _Whyyyyyyyy,_ Jyn’s mind shouted at her. _WHY did he have to come back? Why did he have to move_ back here _?!_

            Jyn picked up her phone.

            “What are you doing?” Bodhi asked warily.

            “I’m calling Wes.” She fumbled with the screen, trying to unlock it.

            “Nooo, no booty calls.” Bodhi plucked the phone from her grip and set it out of her reach. “Come on, Jyn. Just get to bed.”

            “It’s not even ten.”

            “Then turn on Netflix or something. Or don’t do anything at all. But don’t booty-call anyone, especially not someone in the engineering department. You know better.”

            “I don’t, and that’s why I have a couple of them favorited.”

            Bodhi didn’t reply. He didn’t need to.

            Jyn sighed and turned her face, resting her forehead on Bodhi’s thigh. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” she said quietly.

            “About Cassian?” Bodhi asked. Jyn nodded. “What do you _want_ to do?”

            “Punch him.”

            “Really, Jyn?”

            “Yell at him.”

            “Trust me, you two did plenty of that when you were together,” Bodhi said. “Privately _and_ publicly. Mostly publicly.”

            “He made it happen,” Jyn said, her voice still muffled by Bodhi’s pants.

            “I’m pretty sure you were responsible for it as well.” When Jyn didn’t say anything else, Bodhi said, “That’s really all you want to do, punch him and yell at him? You guys were pretty in love with each other. We all thought you were going to get married. You were inseparable. Then that merger happened and there were reorgs and you didn’t want to be in field work anymore – ”

            Jyn held up a hand. “Yes, I know what happened,” she said. She sat up and rubbed her eyes, yawning. “Maybe I should just go to bed. I’ve been burning the midnight oil for months straight.”

            Bodhi patted her on the back. “Sounds like a good idea. Goodnight, Jyn.”

            Once he was gone, Jyn felt sullen again. She got ready for bed and slid under the covers, then dug through her nightstand until she found the small folder at the bottom. She withdrew it and opened it up. Inside were photos of her former group, before she and Cassian broke up: him, her, Bodhi, Baze, Chirrut, and Kay. They’d all conducted field work at Alliance Corp. before the huge merger with Empire, LLC, under the massive new company, Republic. Baze and Chirrut had retired to do their own thing, Cassian and Kay had stayed in field work, Bodhi had switched to the engineering department and worked from home, and Jyn had gone back to her former career in programming. She and Cassian had had three and a half really good years together before the merger, at which point things began breaking down. Everything was different under Republic, and Jyn and Cassian began to fight in a different way. They used to argue because they were both strong personalities and passionate people, but the last six months of their relationship became all about misunderstandings, miscommunication, and Jyn being tired of field work and wanting to move on. Cassian hadn’t felt the same, and eventually, they’d gone their separate ways. They’d still spoken and been friendly when their group had gotten together, but eventually, Jyn met Mike, and Jyn reached a point where she just couldn’t bear to be around Cassian any longer. She cut off all communication with him entirely, told her friends she didn’t want to hear anything about him, and threw herself into her work. When she and Mike got serious, and Isobel was born, she thought she was going to have a new life and a family. Mike had been so _excited_ about the baby. Then another year passed, and he wasn’t so sure he could “do the family thing,” and so he moved out of Jyn’s apartment to his own place, and she saw him less. He still sent money and was involved in Isobel’s life…but he still wasn’t there every day. Like he should have been.

            The corner of a small cardboard box peeked out of the mess of Jyn’s bedside drawer, and she pulled it out.

            _Easy DNA Paternity Test. #1 Rated. America’s Trusted Brand. Results Emailed to You in 3-5 Business Days._

Jyn shoved the box back into the drawer along with the photos, and switched off the light.

            She didn’t need to know the answer.

            Knowing wouldn’t make any difference.

            Her life was perfectly fine the way it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the massive info-dump at the end, and sorry this is so short!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mara Jade is predictably awesome at emotional support. Cassian finally texts Jyn asking to meet. Jyn is holding onto old dreams with Mike, in the midst of a huge blowout fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter was very short, so I decided to post the next one. :)
> 
> ALSO! Helllooooo, my OT favorite ship!!!! Luke x Mara!!! <3 <3
> 
> ALSO ALSO! Thank you, as always, so very, very much to everyone who is reading, commenting, bookmarking, subscribing, and kudosing. Oh, how you make my whole day when you do these things. <3 Your comments have all been so thoughtful, and you're so invested in the story, and I'm just so flattered by all of it. I'm just thrilled that YOU'RE enjoying it so much, and that you care so much. You make this writer so very, very happy, guys. Your comments and investment mean the world to me. <3

“Erso, if you’re hungover again – ”

            “Mara, don’t – ”

            Mara Jade released a groan so long and so loud, Jyn made a face and actually pulled her phone away from her ear.

            “It’s eight o’clock in the fucking morning,” Mara said. “I was _sleeping_. It’s my day off. Don’t you have a kid or something to tend to?”

            “Don’t you have a shaman or witch doctor or whatever the hell Luke is to tend to? You know he can’t be left to his own devices and without adult supervision.”

            “He’s off with Chirrut on a spiritual retreat today in the mountains,” Mara said. “It’s just me and the doggies.”

            Jyn heard a distinctive doggie yawn over the phone. Mara and Luke’s two Dobermans, Sturm and Drang, were most likely on the bed, taking up the entirety of Luke’s side.

            Mara sighed. “What do you need, Jyn?”

            “Something to erase my memory,” Jyn answered, and punched the power button on her blender for her smoothie.

            “Gah, what the fuck is that?!”

            Jyn stopped the machine. “Sorry. Blender.”

            “Are you doing that kale shit again?”

            “No,” Jyn said. “Chirrut was wrong about it. Kale is disgusting. Baze complained about it nonstop for three days. Didn’t help Chirrut’s case much.”

            “Smoothie aside, I have a solution to whatever your latest problem is,” Mara said. “Meet me at the gym. Prep for a climb.”

 

Jyn stared up dubiously at the climbing wall of the gym as an employee hooked her up.

            “You know I’m really out of shape,” she said to Mara. “And hungover.”

            Mara waved it off. “Take some aspirin and go for a run after this. Works every time.”

            Jyn doubted that, but knew better than to argue with Mara.

            Mara rubbed her hands together and then enthusiastically stretched her muscles out. “This’ll be good,” she said. “Luke has been a real pill lately. I need this.”

            They started their climb, while the employees below holding their ropes looked bored.

            “So,” Mara said as she reached for another handhold. “What’s eating you?”

            “I ran into Cassian at Starbucks,” Jyn said, surprised to see that she was keeping pace with the always-fit Mara Jade.

            Mara nodded. “I can see how that would mess you up. Did you guys, like, hook up again or something?”

            “No!” Jyn exclaimed. “God, no.”

            A small smile came to Mara’s face. “But you’d like to.”

            _“No,”_ Jyn said through gritted teeth, clutching the nearest handhold. “He wants to ‘catch up,’ but _I_ do not want to ‘catch up.’ He didn’t get the hint.” She paused, and her heart did that dropping-thudding thing again. “He’s divorced and has some kid.”

            “‘Some kid,’ yeah, you’re soooo over him.”

            “You’re soooo helpful.”

            “I know,” Mara said smugly.

            Jyn huffed out a breath. “Stepdaughter. I don’t know why his marriage didn’t work out.”

            “I’ve got a couple ideas.”

            “I don’t need to hear them, thanks.”

            “Well, you’re going to hear them, so…. For one thing, he’s impossible to be around. For another, he’s moody and broody. For a third, she wasn’t you and no one is.”

            Jyn rolled her eyes. “Right.”

            “Just calling it like I see it,” Mara said. “Also, I knew all this, but nice to hear your take on the situation.”

            Jyn’s head whipped to her friend. Mara wasn’t looking at her, concentrating on her own climb. “You _knew_ …? Why did you let me keep going on, then?!”

            “Because I wanted to hear your side, like I said.”

            “How did you know?”

            “Luke keeps in touch with all those people, duh.”

            There didn’t seem to be anything more to say, so Jyn focused on her climb, pushing herself as far as she could. They dropped down and went up again, and after they were back down again unhooked and out of the gear, cooling down and drinking from their water bottles, Mara said,

            “So what are you going to do? If he calls you?”

            “First off,” Jyn said, “he won’t call, he’ll text. Second, pretend I didn’t get it.”

            Mara nodded sagely. “Mature.”

            Jyn opened her arms wide and shrugged. “I don’t know what you want from me, Mara.”

            “You called _me_ ,” Mara said. “And what I want from you is some accountability, maybe? A reason for why you suddenly decided to be an ass to that poor sucker?”

            Jyn shook her head and took another drink, her eyes on the ceiling. “You don’t need to know the reason.”

            Mara headed toward the stairs leading to the indoor track, and Jyn followed after her. “Look,” Mara said, “I’m not an idiot. I don’t pretend to understand you two or your messed-up relationship, but I do know how to read people. That’s one thing your ex-boyfriend and I have in common. Well,” she added, “and he knows how to throw a good punch. Always a practical skill. As much as I have literally zero interest in getting into a girly conversation with you about emotions and feelings and shit, I _know_ something went wrong that wasn’t supposed to. Now, are ya gonna…open up about that and get it off your chest, or do I have to start penciling you into Luke’s calendar every other week?”

            Jyn made a face and waved her off as they walked around the track. “I’m not interested in whatever Luke’s selling, thanks.”

            “He really could probably help you with whatever’s bugging you,” Mara said. Jyn looked over to check Mara’s face for confirmation that she really was being sincere, even though her tone already was. Jyn tried to smile.

            “I’m really okay, Mara,” she said. “I don’t need any help.”

            Mara shrugged and looked away. “Suit yourself. Not sure why you called me, then. It really did piss me off that you woke me up. Kind of rude, but whatever.”

            Jyn fiddled with the cap of her water bottle. She knew it was rude, and that Mara was only trying to help – and that Jyn had indeed _asked_ for that help. “I know,” she said quietly. “I’m just…not really feeling all that great about the situation. I tried to put all that stuff behind me, but….”

            “But you didn’t,” Mara said. “You don’t have closure. ‘All circles must be closed, or the loop will remain open into eternity.’”

            Jyn grimaced. “What?”

            “I dunno, something Luke says. Wanna get out of here? I know a breakfast place close by that makes a really strong mimosa. Mostly _mim_ , not much _osa_.”

 

It was at 5:30, half an hour before Mike was due to drop Isobel back off, that Jyn’s smartwatch buzzed with the dreaded text message from Cassian. She had not, in fact, ever erased his number, and when his name popped up on her screen for the first time in five years, a mixture of gloom, trepidation, and excitement jolted through her in a second.

            _You’re not excited,_ she thought. _That’s an old feeling. It’s just a holdover from the old days._ Then her traitorous mind added, _The good days._

            _Good seeing you again,_ the message read, and Jyn scowled because _of course_ he’d goad her like that, using her overused phrase from their run-in at Starbucks. At least he didn’t use any fucking smiley-face emoji. Was his message supposed to be funny? Cute? Was he trying to reestablish old camaraderie? Be charming? Right, like she cared. _Do you want to do dinner tomorrow at 7:30?_

 **I’m available,** Jyn texted back. **Where?**

He replied with the name of a casual restaurant, and Jyn added it to her calendar. He offered to pick her up, but she declined. She’d just call Uber. She planned on getting through at least three drinks (to start) during this thing, and there was no reason to get her convertible out of the garage for that.

            Isobel came home right on time, babbling on about Misti.

            “Sounds like you two had a great time,” Jyn said to Mike. He leaned in for his customary kiss on the cheek, but Jyn pretended not to see it as she helped Isobel get her backpack off and told her to go play. Isobel ran off in search of Tooka the cat. Jyn motioned outside, and she stepped out with Mike. Once they were alone, Jyn said, “You know, Mike, I don’t really appreciate you introducing Isobel to all these girlfriends.”

            “What, _all these_?” Mike said. “It’s only been a couple serious ones.”

            “Yeah, but it’s _confusing_. She’s a little girl. She doesn’t understand.”

            “Right,” Mike replied flatly. “And she understands your hookups?”

            Jyn gave him a tight smile. “They don’t stay to chat. And at least it’s the same couple people.”

            “So, two for two.”

            “No, _not_ ‘two for two,’” Jyn said, lifting her eyebrows. “You’re getting serious about these women, which is, as I said, _confusing_ for Isobel.”

            “Oh, a little jealousy going on here, Jyn?” Mike asked. “You’ll notice I didn’t get jealous when Isobel said you ran into Cassian.”

            “Because Cassian and I are way over and a done deal, and I’m not inviting him over to play ‘House’ with my kid.”

            Mike scoffed, and Jyn couldn’t understand why he was being this way about the issue. “Jealousy is _not_ a pretty color on you, Jyn.”

            “That is such a chick thing to say,” Jyn said. “Why would you even say that? I’m talking about _our_ _child_. Who _you_ were not interested in sticking around for.”

            “What are you talking about?” he replied, voice rising. “I’m around!”

            “Yeah, but you’re not _here_!” Jyn argued. “We were supposed to be a family, but you chickened out after a year and stuck me with all the hard work! Now you get to, what, drop in when you feel like it, do all the fun stuff, and fuck whoever you want?”

            Mike drew back, looking furious. “What the fuck, Jyn?!”

            Jyn turned away to go back in the house. “Just go. We’ll see you next weekend when you decide to be a parent again. Must be nice just having it as a weekend gig.”

            Mike grabbed her elbow and stopped her. “Don’t you talk about me being a father like that. I take her out to dinner whenever you ask, I babysit her when you ask, I go to the doctor with you guys, I buy her presents…. Don’t talk like I’m not being there for her.”

            Jyn yanked her arm out of his grip. “First off, Mike, you don’t _babysit_ your own kid. Second, yeah, it’s really nice you do all those things, but it’s not enough. Do you kiss her boo-boos when she gets hurt? Read her bedtime stories every night and tuck her in? I really appreciate that you do all those things, but you’re not even really _here_! That’s my _point_! I just….” She let out a breath, all her fight gone. Unexpected tears pricked her eyes. The weekend had been too much, and she had a four-hour meeting tomorrow at eight a.m. “I just want you here. Like you used to be. That’s all.”

            Mike smiled and put his hand on her cheek. “I know you do. I want to be here, too.”

            Jyn smiled back at him, feeling hope in her heart again. “So you’ll move back in with us?”

            Her ex dropped his hand. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea. I’ve built a life, you’ve built a life…. We’ve kind of moved on, you know?”

            “But we _wanted_ to have a family!” Jyn yelled, not even caring that she was starting to lose it and get loud. “We decided that if it happened, it would be great, and I was so done with field work and you were moving up in your career, and it was what we _wanted_!”

            “Yeah, well, the thing is, honey,” he said as he looked down at his keys and remotely unlocked his car, “that was before I found out you went and fucked Cassian behind my back when we were dating and sorta trying for a family.” He looked back up, eyes cold, and Jyn felt her tears fall. Mike shrugged. “Kind of put a damper on the whole _family_ thing.”

            Jyn didn’t bother denying it. “Who told you?” she asked quietly. “How long have you known?”

            “None of your business who, and shortly before Isobel’s first birthday.”

            Jyn nodded, the pain of it rushing back into her heart. “So that’s it, then. That’s why you left.”

            “It is.”

            “This whole time,” Jyn said, “you knew. And you didn’t tell me. Didn’t even ask me why. Didn’t confront me, didn’t even give me a chance to apologize and say it was the mistake that it was. You just…assumed the worst of me.”

            “You didn’t have to do it.”

            “It was a _mistake_! I went over to get some of my things, but you and I had been getting so serious and wanting a family, and it just, like they say, it just, it just _happened_ , and I was so ashamed and I stopped talking to him completely, and doesn’t that _prove anything_?”

            “Maybe,” Mike said, giving her a level look, “if you’d told me about it.”

            Jyn closed her mouth and swallowed. There was no denying that.

            “Shitty timing, though, with that. You’re just lucky that Isobel is mine, and she’s got a father in her life. If she wasn’t, you’d be in one hell of a bad place. I mean, it’s not like he’d take you back, given what I know about how you treat men you sleep with. He may have messed with your head, and I may have felt bad for you about it at one time, but I’ll bet you anything you did the same with his.”

            “Well, at least he knew how to fuck a girl right,” Jyn shot back. “Can’t say the same for you, who consistently gave up after five minutes of oral. How does it feel, knowing you were always being compared to someone who made me come multiple times every single time, and you never measured up?” She pointed at his car. “Just get out of here. _Now_.”

            “Maybe it wouldn’t have been so difficult for me,” Mike said, “if he hadn’t worn you out. I’ll see you next weekend.”

            Jyn swiped at her eyes once he was gone and felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and her watch buzz. She pulled her cell out and saw another text come in from her admin.

            _NVM i found pens_ _:) :) :)_

Jyn deleted it and went back to Cassian’s text. **Tonight,** she wrote. **Make it tonight.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn and Cassian meet to talk for the first time in five years. Jyn gets way too drunk, and Cassian offers to let her sober up a bit at his place before going back to hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STOPLOOKINGATMELIKETHAT. Assume what you want about this chapter, people. *crosses arms and turns nose up*

Isobel was already asleep and Bodhi had ordered Chinese takeout when Jyn grabbed her purse and headed to the door, slipping on earrings she hoped would distract from the puffiness of her eyes.

“I’ll just be an hour, promise,” she said. Bodhi waved her off.

“I don’t care how long you are,” he said. “I work from home, remember?”

“Right. Thanks, Bodhi.” She leaned over the sofa and gave him a kiss on top of his head and ruffled the fur on top of Raymond’s head. “You’re the best. I’ll be back soon.”

Bodhi flipped through Netflix and scratched behind Raymond’s ears. “Mmhm.”

Along with the mixture of dread, gloom, trepidation, and excitement, Jyn also felt relief that Cassian hadn’t minded seeing her tonight instead of tomorrow night. After the blowup with Mike and the bombshell that he’d known all along about her screw-up, the very day after running into Cassian, she felt the need to clear the air and put Cassian firmly in her past.

Where her future led, she didn’t even want to think about right now.

It was too late for the restaurant Cassian had initially chosen to be open, so they’d instead decided to meet halfway at a bar. Jyn sat on a stool nursing her second strong whiskey and Diet Coke and fiddling with a coaster, a cigarette held in her right hand.

It was both too soon and not soon enough when he was standing next to her again. All he said was, “Hey,” but she jumped anyway. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Lot on my mind,” Jyn said. This time, she took a better look at him. Little had changed. He’d aged, sure, same as she had, but everything about him had remained the same. Same haircut, same stubble, same weight, same scent, same clothing style. The past five years had been especially kind to him, and he’d only gotten better looking.

Jyn tore her gaze away and nodded behind her. “There’s a booth back there if you want some privacy.”

“Sure. But this stays.” He took the cigarette from her and doused it in her ashtray. “Where did _that_ disgusting habit start?”

“It’s just when I drink,” Jyn said. “Don’t need your judgment right now, thanks.”

Cassian placed his order with the bartender, and Jyn finished her drink, ordered another one, and headed over to the corner booth with him.

“So how have you been?” he asked as they slid in.

“Great!” Jyn said with a big smile. “Really great. Yeah, really great. You saw I have a daughter, and she’s great, of course. Her name is Isobel. She’s four. I got that director position, you know, in programming. It’s great, but a lot of hours – _lot_ of hours – and I just don’t really have time to do anything else, you know? We got a house. Thanks,” she said to the server, and took a big drink of her newly arrived beverage, her buzz already going strong. Cassian took his drink slowly, his concerned eyes on hers, and Jyn knew she must sound like an idiot. “So what’s new with you? Nina seems – ”

“Great?” Cassian supplied. Jyn looked at the advertisement on the wall, her eyes stinging again. “Something bothering you, Jyn? Is this a bad time?”

“No, no! It’s fine. I just….” Her fingers clenched the paper placemat in front of her. “Just a rough…evening. My ex…he’s seeing this new woman, and he thinks it’s okay to introduce these women to Isobel, and I just don’t think that’s right.”

“No, not really.”

Jyn pulled a menu to her and flipped it open, but she wasn’t really all that hungry. “Nina really did seem sweet.”

“She is,” Cassian said. “I really fell in love with her first. Carly, well, that’s a different story.”

“Not one I particularly want to hear.”

“I wasn’t going to share.”

“Thank you.” Jyn kept looking over the menu, because it was easier than looking at him, then realized she was halfway through her third drink. “So, um, how’s field work? Still the same?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Jyn nodded, and when he didn’t say anything else, she signaled the waiter. “What do you have bottled and on special tonight?”

“It’s Sunday,” the waiter said. “Nothing.”

“I’ll have a Bud Lite, then.” Jyn looked back at Cassian to find him making a face. “What?”

“You still drink that stuff?” he said. “Even with your promotion?”

“I’m allowed to have trashy taste on the weekend,” Jyn said. She hadn’t caught the label of his beer, but she also hadn’t been looking. She also was thoroughly uninterested. “Where’s Nina tonight?”

“With Carly. She’s back for a few days, then I’ll have Nina again.” Cassian’s eyes tracked the waiter as he brought the drink over to Jyn. Jyn knew he was concerned about how much she’d had.

“Must be hard with field work,” Jyn said, taking a swig of her beer and pretending like she wasn’t already drunk by now, and exceptionally glad to feel that way.

“It is, but the department has a childcare service, and we’ve managed to make things work.” He paused. “Although, that’s going to be difficult now that Carly and I are almost officially divorced, and she wants to move to Boston with her job.”

“Bummer.”

Cassian frowned. “Yeah, you sound real sad.”

“Lay off, okay? I had a shitty night.”

“I assumed so.”

He didn’t say anything else, and for a few moments they just sat in silence, drinking their beers. The waiter came over with waters, and Cassian ordered another beer. Jyn picked at the label on hers.

“Want anything to eat?” Cassian asked. Jyn shook her head. “Your hair’s different. A lot longer.”

“Yeah, I thought I needed a change,” Jyn said, still picking. “How are your folks?”

“Good. They moved back here after Carly and I separated last year. To your side of town, which is why I’m here, too. They wanted to be around for Nina as well. They’re happy to be back in Cali. Your parents?”

“Still at CalTech,” Jyn said. “Still tenured and will have to be bodily dragged away from there when they go senile. How’s Kay?”

“Still my partner,” Cassian said. “Still acerbic.”

“Didn’t expect anything else.”

 Again more silence. Again another round of drinks.

“Look, Jyn,” Cassian said quietly, after she’d destroyed an entire bottle label, “we don’t have to do this. It was just really nice to run into you, and I just wanted to see what you’d been up to. I’m not even asking for an answer for why you stopped talking to me. You don’t have to tell me.”

“You deserve to know,” Jyn said.

“Not tonight.”

“Not ever, then.”

Cassian sat back in the booth. “So that’s it, then? I can’t say I’m surprised, but…. I guess I just didn’t really think you wanted things to be so…permanent.”

“He found out,” Jyn said, throwing the ball she’d made out of her water straw wrapper onto the table. “Mike did. He found out I fucked you when he and I were dating, and he’s known this whole time. Since Isobel was one. That’s why he left us.”

Cassian’s eyebrows raised. “Wow, that’s a real dick move.”

“Well, so was hooking back up with my ex when I was in a serious, committed relationship and trying for a family.”

“Mistakes happen.”

Jyn pursed her lips. “As far as mistakes go, that’s a pretty big one, Cassian. You’d really not be all that upset if you found out I cheated on you when we were together?”

“True.”

“And then he worked out the timing, and he just got all…. Oh, this is such a mess.” She shook her head and put it in her hands, dark hair spilling over.

“The timing…?”

Jyn realized with horror what she’d just said, and her chest constricted painfully. She forced herself to take a deep breath and not move. If she didn’t react, maybe he wouldn’t realize what she’d –

_“Jyn.”_

“I should probably go….” Jyn grabbed her purse and looped it over her shoulder.

 _“Jyn, look at me.”_ Jyn looked up at him, begging her expression to be anything but what she was feeling inside right now. “Isobel’s not…she can’t be….”

“No, no,” Jyn said, shaking her head and waving it off with her hand, eyebrows drawn down in a “Don’t worry about it” expression. “No, Mike was just worried.” She waved it off again with a smile. “She has my eyes.”

“Her skin tone is nothing like yours. What about your ex’s?”

“Cassian, don’t make this weird – ”

Cassian’s hand shot out and gripped her wrist. “Jyn. Look me in the eye _right now_ …and tell me.”

Jyn steeled her resolve and forced her face to remain blank. “She has my eyes,” she repeated, her voice quieter than she meant for it to come out.

“This is why you stopped talking to me,” he said. “Isn’t it? When’s her birthday?”

Jyn threw up her hands, his fingers sliding away from her wrist. “What does it matter?” she said, already feeling her eyes welling _again_ and wishing this day would _just end_. “Would it have made any difference?”

“Yes!” Cassian said, looking horrified that she would think otherwise. “Fuck, why would you think it _wouldn’t_?!”

“We were barely speaking as it was! I was just in your part of town, and swung by for a few things, and we wound up in bed together, and it was stupid, and we laughed it off and it was no big deal!”

“Yeah, except for the part that _you got pregnant and didn’t tell me._ ”

“Mike and I weren’t _not_ trying,” Jyn said. “We both wanted a family together, so the baby could easily have been his! It _was_ his! He and I got along so well together right away, we had perfect chemistry, he was the total opposite of you…it was perfect. It made sense.”

“The total opposite of _me_? That’s what made it _perfect_?”

“Yeah, you know, people date the opposite of the person they used to be with. Like your ex-wife looks exactly like me?”

“No, she’s not like you at all.”

“Well, there you go.”

Cassian leaned across the table. _“Why didn’t you tell me?”_

“Because it would have made no difference,” Jyn said quietly. “Even if you thought it would’ve. Things had been going downhill for us ever since the merger, when you wanted to stay in field work and I wanted to return to programming, and everything was changing and it was too much. It was too much! Things are great for me the way they are right now, just as I’m sure they’re great for you the way they are. So…no need for change.”

Cassian raised an eyebrow. “Really? Because you don’t sound so sure of that. In fact, you sound downright miserable.”

“Well, you’re stupid.” Jyn extricated herself from the booth, dragging her purse along with her. She wobbled as she stood and caught herself on the table with a hand. The room was spinning _way_ more than it should be. “So, we’re caught up now. Good?” She looked around to get her bearings. “Ah. Door is this way. Oh, pay. Have to pay. What’s my share?” Cassian waved it off, and Jyn groaned at his manners and dug through her purse for some cash. She threw down her Starbucks card, three singles, a catnip toy, and a kiwi. “That should cover it.”

“Let’s go, Jyn,” Cassian said from behind her, his voice right in her ear and his hand on the small of her back. Having his touch there again was electric, shooting sparks up her spine and down both her legs. “I paid. As kind as your offer was, I don’t think the barter system still works. Here’s your Starbucks card back.”

“Are you kidding?” Jyn whispered as she accepted the card back from him. His fingers barely brushed hers, and she ignored the tingling sensation. “I was getting away with murder there. There’s only four dollars left on this card, the waiter probably thinks that mouse is filled with weed, and that kiwi is organic. I say we could’ve made out pretty good if you hadn’t caved.”

They left the bar and waited outside in the cool air. Jyn shivered as she swiped through her apps to get to Uber. Cassian shrugged out of his jacket and draped it over her shoulders. It was bad enough being close to him again, his familiar smell assaulting her senses, but now, she was bathed in it.

“Thanks,” she said, mentally telling her heart to quiet. _Stop it! Stop it right now!_ She tapped the app – 

Cassian took the phone from her and closed the app.

“What are you doing?” Jyn demanded.

“Not letting you go home completely wasted,” Cassian said.

“Bodhi doesn’t care.”

“Bodhi does care. And even though you didn’t want to hear anything about me from our friends, I have been hearing about _you_. Just…sober up a bit before heading home, okay? For Isobel’s sake?”

Jyn glared at him, then crossed her arms and stared out at the street. “Just when I thought my night couldn’t get any worse, now I have you of all people judging me.”

“I’m not judging you. I’ve never judged you. I just think there are things kids don’t need to see. Drunk parents and new girlfriends, for example.”

“You let Nina meet any of yours?”

“Don’t have any.”

“All about work again, huh?”

“Well, there’s been nothing else.”

That struck a chord in Jyn’s angry heart, and she looked over at him with more softness than before. He wasn’t looking at her, his face in profile, the harsh lights of the streetlamps hitting the sharp lines of his cheekbone and jaw.

Jyn quickly looked away toward the shrubbery to her left. She’d forgotten those lines, those angles. She’d even managed to make his face blur over time, so it didn’t hurt as much when it came to mind.

The taxi thankfully came, and they climbed in. Cassian gave the address to the driver.

“So where are we going?” Jyn asked, buckling up.

“My place,” Cassian said. “Try not to argue.”

Jyn had been going to, but she bit back her reply and stared out the window. When that hurt too much, she closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against the cool glass. She really was pretty hammered, and not even in a way that felt good. She hadn’t even had a good time tonight. Not that she’d planned to. She’d gotten out of it exactly what she’d thought she would.

Minus this unfortunate side trip to Cassian’s apartment, which, no.

The trip ended, Cassian paid, and they began mounting the stairs. The building was older but clean, and in a safe neighborhood.

“Sorry,” Cassian said. “It’s a fourth-floor walk-up.”

“No problem,” Jyn said. “I was rock-climbing with Mara today, so I’m a regular mountain goat.”

“You’re such a pleasant drunk.”

“Right?”

When they got inside the apartment, Jyn put her hand against the wall and took a moment to catch her breath. Cassian flipped on the lights.

“I hate stairs,” she said, winded.

“Yeah, they’re terrible.” Cassian put his keys, wallet, and phone in a bowl next to the door, then pointed at the couch. “Make yourself comfortable. I’ll get you some water. I have some Saltines from the last time Nina was sick. You should – ”

He had started to walk away toward the kitchen, but Jyn pulled him back toward her and swung her arms around his neck at the same time as she kissed him. He hesitated, and then he pushed her back gently with his hands on her waist.

“Jyn,” he said quietly, looking her in the eye. “You’re in a bad place, and you’re really drunk. We haven’t seen each other in five years. This…isn’t a good idea. I’m not what you’re looking for.” He reached up and brought her hands down.

Jyn hooked her fingers into his belt loops and yanked his hips to hers. She raised herself up and tilted her head to move her lips closer to his. “So you’ve never thought about this once in five years?” Kissing his cheek, she added, “You’ve never once gotten yourself off to the thought of it?”

He shook his head. “Jyn….”

“What?” She moved her hands around to the small of his back and pressed them into him.

“Fuck it.” Cassian grabbed her face and leaned down to her, kissing her roughly and immediately deepening it. His hands soon fell away as he shut the lights off. Jyn started unbuttoning his shirt and had it open in no time, and he’d slid it off his arms to the floor by the time she’d gotten her own shirt off over her head. He’d already unzipped her pants and was yanking them down past her hips. His fingers plunged down into her underwear to touch her, and she flung her arms out, desperate to find purchase and hitting the door, which rattled in its frame.

“You’re wet,” he said. “Really wet.”

“’Course I am,” she said, throwing her shirt down and wriggling out of her camisole before going for his belt and fly. “It’s you.”

Cassian kissed her again and circled his arms around her, only letting go to remove shoes and socks while Jyn awkwardly stripped her heels off. When she broke away from his kiss for a moment, she said one word: “Bed.” Cassian shook his head and replied, “Too far.” He pulled her around to the front of his sofa and pushed her down into it, spreading her legs wide, yanking her underwear out of the way, and eagerly going for her center. She released a groan as his mouth touched her, and she pushed her hips closer to him. His hands came up to wrap around her thighs, fingers digging in. Jyn grabbed onto the cushion behind her, holding on tight as he furiously went down on her. He was getting her so _close_ , so _quickly_. She involuntarily pushed herself toward him again.

“Closer,” Cassian said, and she moved once more. “Come on, Jyn. Come for me like you used to.” Jyn moaned again, feeling the orgasm so close, her muscles clenched and her fingers gripping the cushion tight. “Come _on_!” He leaned up to her so that only his fingers were working her, his mouth tantalizingly close, his breath warm on her lips. “Come on, Jyn. Let yourself go. It’s me again. You can. Tell me you’re going to come for me.”

He went back down between her legs, and between his fingers and mouth, it was only one final push before she felt the crest of the wave, and the words came tumbling out, high-pitched: “Oh, fuck, I am, I am…shit!”

Then she did, and he was over her and kissing her as she came with his fingers still inside her, and he grabbed the blanket down from the back of the sofa and threw it on the floor. He laid her gently on it after her body stopped quaking, and he tore her underwear away with both hands, ripping the garment in two. He pushed into her so quick and hard she involuntarily gasped. Cassian didn’t gentle his pace at all, so rough that Jyn’s body physically moved with each thrust. He kissed her wildly, hands brushing at her hair and touching her face constantly. She could hear his soft exhale every time he thrust, the sound occasionally varying, occasionally louder when he nuzzled close to her ear.

“I need to be deeper inside you,” he whispered. “I need to feel every part of you. Take me deeper.”

Jyn watched as he looked up and grabbed a pillow from the sofa. She lifted her hips so he could slide it under, canting her body up at a different angle to give him what he wanted. When he felt it, he sounded like he was about to break.

As Cassian whispered her name, Jyn’s mind whirled in drunken pleasure, and he was buzzed, too, she could tell. She grit her teeth and pushed back against him, her elbows digging into the floor for leverage. He came lightning-fast then, and she could both hear and feel him before he dropped his damp forehead to her breast, breathing hard. Jyn moved the pillow from her back to her head, and they rested. Jyn felt her eyes getting heavy, and she eventually drifted off. Cassian, too, their bodies still tangled up together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baha, you were right. I DID.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn and Cassian spend a few hours together, and really talk. Cassian is desperate for Jyn to run the paternity test, but she insists there is no chance Isobel is his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, so much, to all of you who are sticking with this. Your comments make my heart do a little leap with joy every time they come into my inbox!! AND, you guys are keeping me going with this. :) It's all you!!! <3 :-*
> 
> P.S. Apologies in advance. This is a painful one and the emotions get crazy. BUT REMEMBER THAT IT’S ALL GOING TO END HAPPY!!!

Jyn awoke a little while later, still drunk, to Cassian lying back down next to her. She felt him move closer to her. Put his hand on her hip. Fit his body to hers. Let out a breath. Jyn closed her eyes again.

 _“Amor mio,”_ he said softly. _“Que te paso?”_

Jyn’s eyes opened. She’d heard him speak enough Spanish that she understood the simple sentences. _My love. What happened to you?_ Did he just mean tonight, or in general? Was he disappointed in her? Worse, did he _pity_ her?

Cassian fell asleep quickly, but Jyn couldn’t go back to sleep. She felt uncomfortable being near him, after what had happened between them and these words that she wasn’t supposed to hear. She needed to be away from him for a minute. Gather her thoughts. Luckily, all the booze (and the water) had run its course.

Still a little wobbly, Jyn found her way to his bathroom. Afterward, she got a glass of water from his kitchen, and seriously considered leaving. What harm could it do? She could officially walk out of his life again, never, _ever_ look back, and be done with all of it. Hell, she could even cut off Bodhi, Baze, Chirrut, Kay wouldn’t be much of a loss –

She hung her head, gripping the glass hard.

_Erso, you’re a fucking idiot. That man is still in love with you after all these years, and you’re about to walk out into the night, still drunk, and leave him behind. Again._

_Like you’re not still in love with him yourself._

_Like every time he touched you didn’t light you on fire._

Jyn drank the rest of her water and put her glass in the dishwasher.

Then she returned to the blanket on the floor, and lay back down. Cassian sighed again and nuzzled into her. She turned in his embrace. She brushed his hair away from his face, and he stirred.

“Everything okay?” he asked, voice groggy with sleep. Jyn tried to smile.

“Yeah,” she said. “Just had to go to the bathroom.”

He gave her a little smile back, and his eyes closed. Jyn closed hers, forced his words and everything that had happened between them tonight out of her mind, and willed herself to sleep again.

 

Jyn woke to sunlight on her face, a breeze blowing in from an open window. Something didn’t feel right. She knew it was Monday, but she hadn’t heard her alarm, and she could tell from the sun that it was later than she usually woke up. Cassian was still asleep at her back. She checked her watch.

7:45.

“SHIT!” Jyn exclaimed, jumping up. Cassian woke with a start. She dashed over to the door, grabbed her clothes, and started hurriedly dressing. “Oh, fuck, I am so screwed….”

“Jyn, it’s okay, it’s okay!” Cassian said from behind her. She shook her head furiously.

“No, it’s not. I have this important meeting at eight o’clock, and Iz has to be at preschool, and, fuck, I’m going to lose my job over this – ”

“Jyn.”

She stopped and looked over at him, midway through getting dressed. His face was calm. His hair was ruffled from sleep.

“Check your phone,” he said.

Jyn went over to her purse to dig her phone out of it, but it wasn’t there. Instead, it was on the ledge next to it…which was not at all where she’d left it. She turned it on and saw she had a text from her assistant.

 _Feel better :(_ _don’t worry abt the meeting ill take really good notes! Everyone just really wants you to feel better soon. I was out rock climbing with my bf once and I slipped and I sprained myankle to it was the worst thing ever! I was in soooooo much pain it was so awful but everyone here was so sweet and don’t even worry a thing abt it!!!!!!! :D_ _I just hate that u hurt :(_

“She’s a little creepy,” Cassian said.

Jyn looked up from her phone. “What did you do?”

Cassian shrugged and looked away – but not before Jyn caught a hint of smugness on his face. “Just used some old skills,” he said vaguely.

“And Iz?”

“Bodhi’s taking good care of her.”

Jyn’s face crumpled in shame. “Bodhi knows about this?”

“It’s Bodhi, Jyn. It’s okay.”

She let out a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding and dropped onto the arm of the couch. Her head was spinning, and not just because she was really hungover.

Cassian came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders, massaging the tension there. He leaned down closer to her. “You have the day off,” he said. His breath stirred her messy hair, and his deep voice was tantalizing. “Spend it with me.”

Jyn was still tired and didn’t take much convincing. They went back to sleep (in Cassian’s bed this time) for a couple more hours, then got up. Jyn felt more than a little grubby after a night at a bar and not washing her face, brushing her teeth, showering, or taking her makeup off.

“Mind?” she asked, pointing at Cassian’s shower.

“Not at all,” he said. “I’ll grab you some towels.”

He had some terrible, coarse, budget store brand, and Jyn arched a brow when she saw the label – then immediately frowned. When had she ever cared about those sorts of things? She took her clothes off and got in the shower, wetting her hair and body and looking around for his products. She thought about the guest soaps in her bathrooms, the prestige brands of haircare and makeup, the nice clothes….

Jyn folded her arms on the fake tile and leaned her forehead against them. _Who have I become? Who the hell even am I?_

She swiped at a tear on her cheek. _I don’t even know who I am anymore._

It had all happened after she and Cassian had split permanently, after that one final night together. She’d been so desperate to get away from him, to put all of him behind her, for there to be absolutely no chance he was still in her life through Isobel – a name that, in her heart of hearts, she’d known she’d chosen specifically because of the way it would sound on his tongue –  that she’d even distanced _herself_ from herself. Gone were the days of her customary bun and no-nonsense clothes and boots for field work; now, she kept her hair longer and braided it up into sleek styles, she made her face up, and she wore clothes and heels everyone she’d known back in the field ops division would have bet their lives she wouldn’t be caught dead in. She had an assistant who got her lunch, who dropped off and picked up her dry cleaning, and she had numbers and quarters and goals and budgets and direct reports and teams and strategy meetings and forecasting and –

She didn’t like any of it.

None of it.

When was the last time she’d been truly happy?

Jyn sighed, rinsed the conditioner out of her hair, and shut off the water. She dried off, wrapped the towel around her, and stepped out. Cassian took his shower after her, and then suggested they get something to eat.

“There’s a café a few blocks from here, if you don’t mind the walk,” Cassian said with a glance down at her high heels. “Nina and I go there a lot. Really good grilled cheese, apparently.”

“I don’t mind the walk,” Jyn said, “but will Nina be jealous you’re taking another girl there?”

Cassian laughed and led the way out of his apartment. “She actually can be a little possessive.”

Jyn swallowed. “So. Um. You’re really enjoying this dad thing?”

“Yeah, I love it. Nina is terrific. I don’t know what I’ll do when she and Carly move to Boston in October.”

Jyn looked over at him as they stepped outside into the sun. He wasn’t looking at her. “I’m sorry,” she said. He shrugged.

“It was always a risk,” he said. “Carly’s company is headquartered in Boston and Carly’s been doing really well, so…I’m not surprised.”

“How are you going to see Nina? She’s your daughter, too, now. Bodhi said you legally adopted her.”

Cassian shrugged again. He still wasn’t looking at her. Jyn wished he would. “Carly’s really been great about all this stuff. She took the job because things weren’t working out with us and she didn’t want to be near me, but she knows I love Nina and to me, she’s always been my daughter. I’ll still get to see her somehow.”

 _But not every week,_ Jyn thought, her lips compressing. How his heart must be hurting. She couldn’t imagine.

Cassian scoffed. “Carly actually isn’t really into the whole mom thing herself. Parenting isn’t for everyone, I get that, but she just…. I wish she’d let me be the one to raise Nina, instead of the other way around. She’s always been very career-oriented, and that’s fine, but not when you have a kid and don’t want her around. She loves Nina, but…Nina inconveniences her.”

“So why did she bother having a kid?” Jyn asked.

“Her husband left her,” Cassian explained, “and he had the bigger paycheck, so Carly took it upon herself to work harder and bring in a similar amount of money to keep her and Nina’s standard of living the same. She did it for Nina, but I think she forgets that.”

“What about the ex?” Jyn asked. “I’m sure he wants to see Nina, too.”

“He does. And he’d still get to if Nina stayed here.”

Jyn didn’t know what to say to that. She wracked her brain for anything to comfort him.

“Maybe you can play with Isobel sometime,” she blurted. Cassian glanced at her sidelong.

“Maybe if I were someone else,” he said carefully.

Jyn let out a breath and nodded. “Yeah.”

They arrived at the café and sat outside, and didn’t speak again until after they’d placed their orders.

“Salad? Really?” Cassian said.

“I’m trying to eat better,” Jyn replied.

He shook his head. “You’ve changed, Jyn. I hardly recognize you anymore.”

“ _People_ change,” she shot back at him, way harsher than she meant to. He held up his hands.

“Sorry, didn’t realize you were so happy with it.”

Jyn didn’t reply. She’d forgotten just _how_ good he was at reading people – and her especially. They ate in uncomfortable silence for about half their meal.

“Jyn, I have to ask,” Cassian said, wiping his mouth with his napkin. Jyn looked up, lettuce dangling from her fork. “What you said last night…you really think Isobel could be mine?”

“No,” Jyn said, her stomach clenching and her heart immediately pounding, “I said I _don’t_ think that.”

“Then why even bring it up?”

“I don’t know. I was really drunk?”

Cassian made a face. “What kind of person would even _do_ that? Make a statement like that and then just take it back like, ‘Oops, I was drunk, I just said it for lack of better conversation’?”

“Well, apparently I’m just a bitch,” Jyn said. “Can we move on?”

“No, I don’t really think we can. You need to tell me why you brought it up.”

“I was drunk, Cassian!” Jyn said, her fork clattering down onto her plate. “I really didn’t mean to say anything! Isobel is not yours, okay? I would know.”

_“How?!”_

“I just, a mother knows, okay? She has my eyes.”

“That doesn’t even make sense!” Cassian said in exasperation. “Genetics is so complicated. Having your eyes doesn’t mean – ”

 _“Just let it go!”_ Jyn shouted, and every head swiveled in their direction. Feeling tears again, feeling the intense scrutiny, feeling the feeling she always did in situations like this _(RUN)_ , she shoved her chair back with a screech, threw her napkin down, and walked away.

Cassian caught up to her a few moments later. “Jyn, wait,” he said. “Wait. _Wait!_ ” He grabbed her arms, crossed tight across her chest. Her chin was tucked down, and her shoulders shook.

“She has my eyes,” she whispered.

“Would it really be such an awful thing,” he said gently, “if she _were_ mine?”

“Yes,” Jyn said, “because then it would mean I threw the last four years of my life away.”

Cassian’s hands gripped her arms tighter. “It doesn’t have to be that way. I can have a part in Isobel’s life – if you want me to.”

Jyn finally looked up. The tears fell. “And Mike?”

“It doesn’t sound like you’ve been very impressed with him lately, and if it turns out Isobel really is mine, he may not want to stick around.”

Jyn covered her face with her hands. “You make it sound so simple, Cassian. It’s not. This isn’t some field assignment where you have a target and you carry out your orders. This is my life.”

“Why can’t you let it be my life, too?” he asked. His tone was still gentle, and Jyn wished he were fired up about this, angry, furious. That would have made things _so_ much easier. She knew how to deal with _that_ Cassian. But this Cassian…calm…gentle… _hurt_ …she had no clue what to do with that.

“I have to go,” Jyn said, and sniffed hard. She pulled her phone out to call Uber. “Thanks for the day off.”

“Jyn….” His tone had switched to a warning. He was silent as Jyn ordered her car. When she hung up, he said, “This isn’t a good idea. We parted on a bad note before, and we’re about to do it again.”

“Yeah.” Jyn put her phone away and looked up at him, hardening her resolve. “It hurts too much to see you, Cassian. I really think it’s best if we don’t do this again.”

“And last night?” he asked. “What happened between us? Did that mean nothing to you? I know it was a mistake. I know I lost control and shouldn’t have done it. Why did you?”

“I needed to get laid,” Jyn said, because it was easier than the truth. She shrugged. “You’re good looking and you were available and I was drunk and we had a past. I knew you were good for it. Easy as that.”

Cassian looked furious. “That’s not true, and you know it.”

Jyn felt her mouth trembling as she looked at him. She couldn’t say anything more. She watched his face change as something dawned on him.

“We didn’t use protection again,” Cassian said. “I didn’t think…I got caught up….” He looked desperately into her eyes.

“It’s okay,” Jyn said. “I’m covered.” She looked up and down the street, wishing her car would hurry up and show.

Cassian’s face changed again, to his own hardened resolve. “Jyn, you owe it to me to find out Isobel’s paternity. If she’s mine, I missed everything. I missed finding out you were pregnant, I missed seeing you pregnant and going through it with you, I missed seeing my child come into the world and watching her grow up…I missed _everything_. Another man watched it, and I didn’t. Another man experienced what I should have been experiencing with you.”

The realization of that, the pain of it, slammed hard into Jyn’s chest, and she felt her whole body crumple. She put her head in her hands again as the tears came again. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I hope she’s not yours. I hope so much that she isn’t. That I didn’t inflict that upon you.”

“It would hurt like hell,” Cassian said, “but I just want to know the truth. I think you already know it. Don’t you?”

“Can’t you please just let this go?” Jyn asked, looking back up at him. “There is so little chance that you’re Isobel’s father. Very, very little. Mike and I were trying for a family.” She clenched her fists. “ _That_ is my family, Cassian. Please stop trying to insert yourself into it.”

Cassian let out a breath and shook his head. “When did you go from loving me to hating me?”

Jyn’s mouth shook again, remnants of her tears still upon it. She forced it up into a smile. “See, that’s the problem,” she said as her car drove up. Her voice came out as a breathy squeak. “I’ve never hated you. I’ve loved you too much, and I still love you to this very day, even to this very moment. But we fought too much at the end, and then I changed too much, and then Isobel….” Jyn shook her head. “We can’t go back, Cassian. It can’t ever be the way things were.” She nodded once at him. “So…goodbye. Again. This breaks my heart the same as it did before, and worse.”

She got in the car and told the driver the address.

Cassian pressed his hand to her window, and she lowered it. “Don’t go,” he implored, his voice quiet. “I’m not going to beg you, but I know you’re unhappy. Don’t pretend like you aren’t. You can have a life with him, or you can have a life with me. Just…start over. Put everything behind us.” He reached in for her hand, withdrew it, and kissed her knuckles. “You gave us a chance once. Give us a chance again.”

Jyn squeezed his fingers. “Cassian….”

“At least promise me you’ll run the paternity test soon,” he said. “You owe me that much.”

Jyn nodded and squeezed his fingers again. “I promise.”

He swooped down so quickly she was barely ready for his kiss. He held onto her face as if he would never let go, and she somehow found herself holding onto his the exact same way. When he leaned back, he wiped her tears with his fingertips.

“I’ll see you later, Jyn,” he said.

Jyn’s lips compressed. Her head told her to run away. Run, run, run, like she always had in the past.

Her heart made her head nod.

Then she looked toward the front of the car and raised her window back up, and the car slowly pulled away.

“Some boyfriend you got there,” the driver said. “Wish mine loved me half that much.”

Jyn didn’t say anything, just closed her eyes tight and clenched her hands into fists. All she wanted right now was to get home, hug her daughter tight when she came back from preschool, and dissolve into Isobel’s world of make-believe. Make-believe that Jyn had had the courage to do the right thing to begin with, to not cut Cassian out simply out of fear, to be a real family if her fears were correct.

_Make believe it’s all going to be okay._

Jyn leaned her head back against the headrest and took a deep breath as the car rolled through the city, the air conditioning set way too high for the heat of the day.

“It’s going to be okay,” she whispered to herself. “It’s all going to be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of Part 1. I have to write Part 2, and then I'll start posting again. Thank you again, everyone!!! <3


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